I've noticed recently that people are having more than one funeral (memorial) service. One here, another "back home" for those too far to come. That shouldn't be a surprise to me, but it was. Everything about funerals has changed over the past few decades. I guess I conducted close to a thousand funerals in my forty five years in the ministry, but I'll be the first to tell you that things have changed, possibly for the better.
Cremation is perhaps the biggest factor. Without an actual body to deal with, a funeral can be arranged at any time and place. That is good!
Close behind is the fact that families and friends are now spread so far apart geographically that there is no such thing as local community in the family setting - and this is true of professional, religious, neighborhood and friendship relationships as well. We're literally all over the place.
Then, not only has convenience become a factor, but people are increasingly thoughtful in considering what the needs of the bereaved might be and putting that first as opposed to going through the expected motions.
If I were to die, for instance, I wonder who would come to my funeral. Certainly friends and neighbors and family members who live nearby or simply couldn't stay away. It is quite possible that people who remembered me favorably in former churches might have small, brief, quiet memorial services in their own churches. That would be nice.
But there's something else. And this comes down to the basic conviction that funerals are for the bereaved, not the deceased. And the basic question, "how can we best help Jo Ann at a time like this? Going to the funeral?" Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Do the math. We have 5 grown children with 4 spouses, 2 sisters, 17 grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Uh, 28 close relatives. Would it be helpful to a widow to have 28 relatives show up for a funeral?
Let me reverse fields here as I can't begin to answer that question for her or anyone else. What if she dies first? I wouldn't have the foggiest idea what to do with that many people and would be so emotionally distraught that it would be almost impossible to appreciate the fact that they were here. Then there's the distance factor from their point of view. Some of them are an hour or two away and could easily make the trip - and would let me know that I am not alone and do have a family. But I have a sister in Miami and a son in Boston. It would be a tremendous sacrifice, physically and financially for them to make such a trip at such a time - and I would rather receive their physical and emotional support in some other, more personal way.
So, this wrenching question: someone close to you dies - should you go to the funeral? Maybe. Maybe not. But there is a deeper question. "How can I best be of genuine and lasting help to those closest and dearest to him/her?" Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
Certainly not an email, for goodness sake. A card or letter may relieve guilt, but seems incredibly cold. A phone call would be an absolute necessity, but possibly not enough. Some touching of minds and bodies in needed. Could I come see you in a few months? How about coming to see us when the weather turns nice? Then, a bit later, be specific. I want to see you and share some things together. Yes. That feels right to me.
So, how do I handle my own bereavement if I choose not to attend the rites? I will discuss that, possibly in tomorrow's blog. In the meantime, I'd like you comments if you would care to share.
Cremation is perhaps the biggest factor. Without an actual body to deal with, a funeral can be arranged at any time and place. That is good!
Close behind is the fact that families and friends are now spread so far apart geographically that there is no such thing as local community in the family setting - and this is true of professional, religious, neighborhood and friendship relationships as well. We're literally all over the place.
Then, not only has convenience become a factor, but people are increasingly thoughtful in considering what the needs of the bereaved might be and putting that first as opposed to going through the expected motions.
If I were to die, for instance, I wonder who would come to my funeral. Certainly friends and neighbors and family members who live nearby or simply couldn't stay away. It is quite possible that people who remembered me favorably in former churches might have small, brief, quiet memorial services in their own churches. That would be nice.
But there's something else. And this comes down to the basic conviction that funerals are for the bereaved, not the deceased. And the basic question, "how can we best help Jo Ann at a time like this? Going to the funeral?" Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Do the math. We have 5 grown children with 4 spouses, 2 sisters, 17 grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Uh, 28 close relatives. Would it be helpful to a widow to have 28 relatives show up for a funeral?
Let me reverse fields here as I can't begin to answer that question for her or anyone else. What if she dies first? I wouldn't have the foggiest idea what to do with that many people and would be so emotionally distraught that it would be almost impossible to appreciate the fact that they were here. Then there's the distance factor from their point of view. Some of them are an hour or two away and could easily make the trip - and would let me know that I am not alone and do have a family. But I have a sister in Miami and a son in Boston. It would be a tremendous sacrifice, physically and financially for them to make such a trip at such a time - and I would rather receive their physical and emotional support in some other, more personal way.
So, this wrenching question: someone close to you dies - should you go to the funeral? Maybe. Maybe not. But there is a deeper question. "How can I best be of genuine and lasting help to those closest and dearest to him/her?" Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
Certainly not an email, for goodness sake. A card or letter may relieve guilt, but seems incredibly cold. A phone call would be an absolute necessity, but possibly not enough. Some touching of minds and bodies in needed. Could I come see you in a few months? How about coming to see us when the weather turns nice? Then, a bit later, be specific. I want to see you and share some things together. Yes. That feels right to me.
So, how do I handle my own bereavement if I choose not to attend the rites? I will discuss that, possibly in tomorrow's blog. In the meantime, I'd like you comments if you would care to share.
